Old man fails at using the escalator

This old man is hilarious when he attempts to go up an escalator. Thanks, Jammie, for posting this image on your Facebook.

Old people + machine guns = Hilarity!

March 7th, 2009 - Check out this old lady firing a machine gun and threatening to shoot her target in the toodles!

You’re Only As Old As You Act

(An elderly woman well into her 70s comes through the check-out line with a single bottle of wine. I start to scan the bottle through.)

Customer: “Wait! Aren’t you going to check my ID?”

Me: “Er, no, ma’am, I don’t think it’s really necessary…”

Customer: “Well, that’s no good! You should check all ID if you’re selling alcohol.”

Me: “Well, okay. May I see your ID, please?”

(She hands over an ID card that is obviously fake.)

Me: “…ma’am, this card says you’re seventeen.”

Customer: “Oh, dear! You’ve caught me! I’m much too young to be buying this! It’s a good thing you were checking IDs. I’d better just go now! *skips out the door*

Me: “…”

We found this transcript on notalwaysright.com. It makes me anxious to be elderly so I can start messing with clerks like this.

Old Lady Driving a Car in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Jan 8th, 2009 - The LiveJournal community called Oh No They Didn't did a nice writeup today on the cast of the classic movie, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Included was this animated GIF of the funniest old lady from the 80's.



I always loved how she could barely see over the dashboard.

73-year-old man attacks an 81-year-old man with a pricing gun

ROYAL PALM BEACH — (April 8th, 2008) A 73-year-old man attacked an 81-year-old man with a pricing gun Sunday inside the Belvedere Road Wal-Mart, according to an arrest report.

Dennis O'Brien and John Esposito began arguing, and O'Brien swung at Esposito with the tool in his right hand, the report says. Esposito sustained a swollen left eye and cuts on his nose and mouth.

Esposito said he and O'Brien work at the Wal-Mart. He would not discuss the nature of their argument. Wal-Mart officials also would not comment.

O'Brien told a sheriff's deputy he acted in self-defense, but security tape showed O'Brien raising his hand first, striking Esposito in the face and then pushing him to the ground, according to the report.

Officials booked O'Brien into the Palm Beach County Jail on aggravated battery charges. He was released Monday on $3,000 bond.

Florida cops taser naked old timer

March 11th, 2008 - Florida cops last Saturday administered a solid tasering to a 65-year-old man who decided to go for a naked wander through a Sarasota neighbourhood.

According to Tampa Bay Online, Duncan Kirk (right), of Bradenton, was spotted in his birthday suit about 7.30pm making his way through locals' back gardens. When deputies duly arrived, he was found "sitting inside a home's screened-in patio", as Sgt Darin Bankert later explained.

The old timer then decided to make a run for it, but was quickly apprehended. He resisted officers' attempts to cuff him, even when hit with a dose of gel-based pepper spray, so cops tasered him twice.

Kirk was charged with "prowling and resisting arrest with violence", and released on Sunday from Manatee County Jail after coughing $1,200 bail.

Woman, 80, Punches Cop, Throws Handcuffs

March 8th, 2008 - An 80-year-old woman went down swinging when a police officer tried to arrest her.

A Tavares police officer pulled the woman over at the intersection of U.S. Highway 441 and Huffstetler Drive for an improper lane change.

Authorities said Thalia Logas refused to sign a ticket and punched the officer in the stomach and chest several times when he tried to place her under arrest.

The officer called for back up and a Lake County Sheriff's deputy arrived.

The two officers said they finally got the handcuffs on her, and she managed to wiggle out of them and threw them out the window of the police car.

"Obviously we want to make sure we handle somebody of that age with care," Jody Maltzman of the Tavares Police Department said.

"If it was my mom, I'd be wanting to have it out with that policeman," Tavares resident Ralph Smith said.

Logas was out of jail on bond Friday morning.

Ballet dancer, 88, takes to stage

January 18th, 2008 - An 88-year-old man is set to star in his first ballet show after taking up dance at the age of 79. Grandfather to 11, John Lowe, of Witchford, Cambs, took up dancing having watched his daughter Alison become a professional dancer.

The retired teacher said: "It's a wonderful thing to do and I can't understand why more men don't do it." Mr Lowe is due to appear with the Lantern Dance Theatre Company, in Ely, on Sunday evening.

Read the full story, with video, at this URL:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/cambridgeshire/7185908.stm

What old people do for fun

Thanks, MIB from the PLA Forums, for finding this one!

Elderly Man Flooded With Calls For Brad Pitt

April 27th, 2007 - A Concord, New Hampshire man's phone keeps ringing at random hours with people looking for Brad Pitt. But 77-year-old Richard Perkins doesn't know the movie star and has only seen one film with the 43-year-old actor.

Someone posted the retired teachers' home phone number in a Web site chat room and claimed it was contact information for Pitt. For the last six days, Perkins' phone keeps ringing at times as late as 2 a-m.

"I thought it was my daughter calling me," Perkins told the Concord Monitor. "I thought she was saying 'Dad? Dad? Dad?' and I thought there was something wrong with the line. Then I realized she was saying 'Brad.' "

A frustrated Perkins disconnected his phone once, but firefighters - summoned by Perkins's Life Alert system - burst into his home to find him sitting peacefully in the living room.

They "weren't too pleased," Perkins told the newspaper.

Perkins says he doesn't want to change his phone number because he's afraid he'll forget his new one.

We decided to give Mr. Perkins a call and gauge his reaction to a typical call asking for Brad Pitt. Here's what he had to say.

SOURCE: http://wbztv.com/topstories/local_story_116115014.html

Caption, please...

March 23rd, 2007 - This picture needs a caption. Help us out by posting one in the comments section.

Two elderly muggers are robbing bank customers after squirting them with liquid POO.

March 17th, 2007 - The dirty duo - believed to be a husband and wife aged around SEVENTY - offer to help clean up their victims before snatching their cash.

Albert and Doreen Croucher lost £4,000 as they left a bank after making a withdrawal at Eastbourne, East Sussex, last month.

Mr Croucher, 58, said: "I felt this blast from the buildings above us. The smell was instant and vile.

"Just then a lady came over with tissues and helped clean it off. It was only later that I realised she had fleeced me."

The theft is the third in a few weeks in Sussex.

Other attacks in Brighton have netted £11,500.

A police spokeswoman said: "This is a such a shitty crime."

Just kidding, the police spokeswoman actually said: "This is a totally repulsive crime." But it would have been funnier the other way.

 

Elderly woman unscathed after being run over by a train

March 5th, 2007 - LISBON (AFP) - An elderly woman has walked away without a scratch after being run over by a train in Portugal.

Maria Delores Ramos, 77, slipped as she attempted to cross the railway near her home in the northern village of Barroselas, the daily Jornal de Noticias reported.

She could not get up on her own as she suffers from arthritis in her legs, so she sat in the middle of the track to wait for someone to pass by.

But when a train approached she decided to lay down after her frantic waving failed to get the attention of the conductor, Ramos told the newspaper

"I started to pray and ask God for forgiveness for my sins. But when I saw that the first carriage passed over me and didn't touch me, I realized I was safe. And I survived," she said.

The train stopped a little further ahead and the conductor got out of the train and helped Ramos, a mother of seven, to crawl out from under one of the carriages.

"Other people quickly arrived and raised me off the ground and held on to me but I told them I didn't need need them to hold on to me, that I could stay up on my own," she said. "I can brag that I survived being run over by a train."

89-year-old man likes to drive in the nude

Feb 3rd, 2007 - An 89-year-old man is charged with public indecency after police said he was driving completely nude.

Police said this was the third time John Welday was caught driving around naked.

Martins Ferry police said a search of the vehicle also yielded over 100 photos of Welday in the nude. The photos had been altered to remove identifying characteristics, such as Welday's face and license plate.

Martins Ferry Police Chief Barry Carpenter said there is nothing illegal about the photographs, but he is worried Welday may have been leaving the photos in public places.

"We find concern with it when he is traveling past a park where children are known to frequent," Welday said.

Friday night a neighbor of Jack Welday's told NEWS9 she is shocked to hear of the arrest.

The woman, who did not want to be identified, said Welday would never be a threat to any children.

"What upset me was when they mentioned the fact he maybe would exhibit himself in front of children," said the woman. "There's no way, like I said, I grew up around him, my children grew up around him, and anybody you talk to that knows Jack, will tell you the same."

Anyone who may have found one of the photos is asked to contact police immediately.

Welday pleaded not guilty Friday.

Visit wtov9.com for more on this story, including more of the nude photographs and video clips from the story.

Gus Jones is Pretty Peeved!

February 1st, 2007 - When the stranger ran up behind Gus Jones in downtown Seattle Wednesday and dumped liquid on his back, Jones, 82, said he immediately recognized the odor of lighter fluid.

Jones hollered and whacked Paul Pearson with his metal cane, which he believes prevented Pearson from hurling a match at him.Two women standing a short distance away weren't so lucky.

The attacker turned from Jones and sprinted several feet toward the women at the corner of Third Avenue and Union Street. After dousing them with lighter fluid, Pearson managed to set the women on fire, according to Seattle police.

The women, 41 and 35, weren't seriously injured, police said. Both said that their hair and jackets were singed, Seattle police spokesman Jeff Kappel said.

"They got lit on fire, but it sounds like it burned the back of their jackets and hair," Kappel said. "They were treated and released from the scene."

Several witnesses grabbed Pearson, 50, and held him until police arrived, Kappel said. Pearson was booked into the King County Jail for investigation of assault. Police didn't immediately know of any motive for the bizarre attacks.

"He's got no relation to any of the victims," Kappel said.

Jones said he had just left his doctor and was walking to the post office when someone grabbed his shoulder. Jones said he thought it was his son, but when he smelled the lighter fluid on his coat and heard strangers yelling, he knew something was wrong.

Jones said he fell to the ground after hitting Pearson so hard that it bent his cane. He said Pearson never said anything to him.

"I'm pretty peeved about this. I feel as though people like this shouldn't be out on the street," Jones said. "This man was crazy."

Jones, who retired to Seattle after owning a grocery store in San Francisco, served with the Navy in the Pacific during World War II. He uses a cane because of recent hip surgery.

"I'm not a tough guy; I don't bother nobody and nobody bothers me," he said. "But if somebody is going to harm you, you got to harm them."

(taken from The Seattle Times)

83-year-old grandmother has a go with a beer bong

Dec 1st, 2005 - When 83-year-old New York-native Frances Levine could not attend her grandson's graduation from the University a year ago, she made it a point to visit campus this year. "I try to visit all the colleges of my grandchildren," Levine explains. With plans to visit her granddaughter, LSA sophomore Allie Levine, Frances's son Murray Levine arranged for her to visit the University Nov. 12 and attend the Michigan football game against Indiana. As the Levine family made their way from Allie's Delta Phi Epsilon sorority house to Michigan Stadium, Allie warned her grandmother about the party-heavy atmosphere and the drinking that goes on during a Football Saturday in Ann Arbor. Frances found out first-hand when her group stopped at 914 State St., the apartment building known for its three-story beer bong.

Many students were standing around the bong, a large funnel at the top, followed by nearly 30 feet of tubing. Few students were attempting the beer bong and those who did were getting drenched in beer. But Frances decided to give it a chance. "My mother got closer and closer and said 'I think I'm going to give it a try,' " Murray said.

Frances said her family was baffled by her curiosity and interest in the college tradition. "They said, 'You can't do this!' and I said 'Why not?' "

Meanwhile, in apartment 301, Engineering seniors Tom Korycinski and Gary Ventimiglia, along with their friends, were manning the beer bong on the balcony. Korycinski and Ventimiglia, who live across the hall, had inherited the beer bong and the key to the empty apartment from the residents before them.

Murray asked one of the students controlling the beer bong if he would lend his coat to Frances so she would not get covered in beer like those who had gone befor her. Frances requested that the guys put just a little beer in the bong. According to Korycinski, he usually uses two 16-ounce cups of beer for each person, but for Frances, he gave her just one 12-ounce beer.

When Frances started to do the beer bong, students in the vicinity erupted in excitement and enthusiasm. "They were yelling 'Go, go, go, go, go!' " Murray said. "The guy with the jacket slapped her five and all," Allie added.

Frances enjoyed herself just as much as those around her. "I loved it. I felt great. I felt young - not that I feel that old," Frances said. She especially enjoyed the response she got from the students. "I loved the kids cheering me on."

"On a day like that - to see her hit it was pretty amazing," Korycinski said.

In fact, Frances became a bit of a local celebrity that day. After the game while she was waiting for Murray to get the car, she was immediately recognized by a group of guys. "They said, 'you're the woman who did the three-story beer bong!' " Frances recalled. Frances said the best part of the entire experience was the enthusiasm and cheers of the students. "I love everything about the kids. I want them to drink less, but I guess that's a little old fashioned."

Woman, 76, stands up for some birds in her yard...by killing the neighbor's cat!

JUNE 24, 2005 - Myrtle Maly, a 76-year-old Wisconsin woman, was arrested this week for poisoning her neighbor's cats after the animals came into her backyard and attacked some birds. Maly was charged with two felony animal mistreatment raps. She admitted to the cops that she placed d-Con rodent killer into a can of cat food and set the chow out for a neighbor's two cats. Maly told investigators that she only wanted to sicken the cats, not kill them. Though she did not appear devastated
about their demise, according to the criminal complaint.

"When I find these little feathers, I've had it. I love animals, but he drove me to it," she told a detective. "I have a good feeling because the birds are happy now." The septuagenarian cat killer, who said she resorted to the poison after getting no help from animal control authorities, faces three years in jail if convicted in the double slaying. See The Smoking Gun report to read more about it.

Woman, 86, jailed for calling 911 20 times

(May 25th, 2005) CHARLOTTE, N.C. - An 86-year-old woman has been sent to jail after police said she called 911 dispatchers 20 times in a little more than a half-hour to complain about a pizza parlor. Dorothy Densmore remained in jail Tuesday charged with misusing the 911 system, a jail spokeswoman said.

She told dispatchers Sunday that a local pizza shop refused to deliver a pie to her south Charlotte apartment, said Officer Mandy Giannini, a Charlotte-Mecklenburg police spokeswoman. She also complained that someone at the shop called her a "crazy old coot," Giannini said.

Densmore wanted them arrested. Instead, police came to arrest her, and she resisted, Giannini said. It's unusual for someone to face charges for nonemergency calls, Giannini said. But on Sunday, Densmore kept calling 911, even after she was told to stop, Giannini said.

When an officer arrived at her apartment, the 5-foot-tall, 98-pound woman attacked him, Giannini said. Densmore scratched him, kicked and bit his hand, she said.

Densmore is also charged with resisting a public officer and two counts of misusing the 911 system, jail records show.

It was the second time she'd been charged with misusing the emergency system, court records show.

In March 2004, police said she called 911 about 10 times after she was asked to stop, a police report says. She then threatened to hit the officer with a chair when he came to arrest her, the report states.

Sources: Article | Smoking Gun Police Report

Woman, 70, survives nine-story fall

(May 12th, 2005) FORT LAUDERDALE, Florida (AP) -- A 70-year-old woman survived a nine-story fall from a condominium tower Wednesday when she landed on a canopy, officials said.

Gloria Jummati was cleaning her balcony at Coral Ridge Towers when she fell and landed on a first-floor canopy, according to the Fort Lauderdale Fire-Rescue. Jummati was alert and talking when rescuers arrived.

She was transported to Broward General Medical Center with a broken arm and other non-life-threatening injuries, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported.

Woman, 79, left dangling when drawbridge opens beneath her

February 1st, 2005 - Helen Koton said she didn't hear any warning signals before the bridge started opening with her nearly halfway across. She said she was able to grab the railing. "I was holding onto the railing and I went up in the air," Koton later told WSVN-TV in Miami.

As the bridge rose to its full height, shocked motorists got out of their cars and told the bridge attendant, who lowered the span after several minutes. "Finally, I came down. When I came down, I fell on my face," she told the Fox affiliate. "So I bruised my forehead and my nose."

Those were the only injuries she suffered, and she was released after treatment at Memorial Regional Hospital in Hollywood. Koton, a winter resident, also lives in Massachusetts.

Granny Glues Eyes Shut

January 2005 - SUNSHINE Coast great-grandmother Terry Horder got the fright of her life when she accidentally stuck her eyes shut with super-strength glue.

The 78-year-old Wurtulla resident was defrosting the fridge when her eyes started watering and she reached for a bottle of allergy eye drops. But instead of grabbing the medicated drops she got Loctite 401 instant glue. The powerful adhesive was being kept in the fridge to avoid heat
damage.

"That second my eyes were glued shut and I realised the glue was next to the drops in the fridge," Mrs Horder said.

Her husband of 57 years, Joe Horder, said his normally outspoken wife was suddenly very quiet. "Normally you can't shut her up but she went very silent and I just heard this little voice say 'Dad, I think I've glued my eyes shut'," Mr Horder said.

Mr Horder called Triple-0 and paramedics soon arrived to take her to Caloundra Hospital's emergency ward. Nurses then used vegetable oil to try to remove the glue, which had fused Mrs Horder's eyelashes together and seeped under the lids.

"There was a pool of glue against the eyeball itself but lucky it couldn't dry because of the water on the eye," Mrs Horder said.

"They soaked my eyes for around five minutes and then tried to prise the lashes apart, which wasn't pleasant. But about 10 minutes later I was good as new."

92-Year-Old Woman Fires Gun After Denied a Kiss

We feel confident in stating that 92-year-old Helen B. Staudinger has a million times more spunk and fire than your grandma. Why? The Marion County, Florida woman is now behind bars after shooting at her neighbor's house after he denied her a kiss and asked her to leave his property.

The neighbor, 53-year-old Dwight Bettner, told reporters that Staudinger has made the moves on him several times before. He has a girlfriend, so when Staudinger asked him to lay one on her, he politely declined the offer. The woman was so enraged by his blatant rejection that she marched back to her house, snatched up her semi-automatic, stomped right back over and pulled the trigger a few times.

Read More: http://www.urlesque.com/2011/03/28/92-year-old-woman-gun-kiss/#ixzz1Hvx3dcpv